April 6, 2010

today...

today is such a bore...classes til 2. lunch. then class again. then dreadful work... its just so boring... we call alumni all night and ask them for money... then they yell at us.... then we call another... its the most frustrating part of my day... and i do it 5 days a week... just can't wait to be home for a week.

spring break starts friday.... maybe then, things will finally be awesome. hopefully il find a job at home too. already have one far away, but i want to be home for a little while. i haven't been in a long time...i think it would be good for me... maybe? maybe not? hopefully il find out?

April 5, 2010

The Basics...

Well, I guess I should start by saying a little about myself. My name is tp. Well at least that's what half of my friends call me. The other half call me tammy. The two halves don't really get along. That's where my story begins to get interested, but we'll skip that for now. Anyway, I'm 21 years old, and I'm about to graduate from college with a Bachelor's Degree in Culinary Arts. I have found my passion in culinary, and know that it's what I want to do for the rest of my life, but where I'll do it, is a whole other story. Anyways, I guess I could go to my home life, and then we'll talk about college, and my career.

My family life was great up until this past summer. My parents were always great, and always amazing, and then last June, I got a call from my dad, when I was away for the summer, at work in Lake George, telling me that he had left my mom. It was a horrible day for me. There was a fire at my work that morning, and we were afraid that it may have been worse than it was, and then I got bombarded with that. I got the phone call, and went straight to my friend chris' apartment because i just didn't know what else to do. So anyways, I went on with the rest of my summer, never saw my dad again. Actually, i literally have not seen my father since April of last year... I never realized how much it hurt me, until my friend ryan asked me the other day. I literally have not physically seen my father in over a year, and somehow i'm ok with that. I guess that shows how angry I am with him for leaving. He never should have left. He should have stayed forever. And to make matters worse, i'm pretty sure he's engaged... and to a horrible woman.
But even worse than that, it's made my relationship with my mom and sister almost awkward. My sister and my mom spend everyday together, and my sister is there for everything my mom has to go through, but I can't be there. I'm away at school, and over the summer i'll be away again. So whenever I go home, they always have their silly secrets, and things that they just never share with me. Sometimes I wish they would, but then I remember that I don't have to deal with it anymore. At least that's what everyone tells me. They tell me that I should be happy that I don't have to deal with my family's drama anymore, but instead, I just feel left out, and it makes my time at home stressful. For instance.... I guess I could go into what happened this weekend.
There's this guy. His name is Ryan. Ryan and I have been friends for 8 years, but we've never spent any time alone together. Friday night he asked me to come over and watch a movie with him. We started watching "the mirrors", but i couldn't follow it, and he was having trouble explaining it to me. Then we started watching another movie, and he told me that I could lay with him, so I did. At some point we started to hold hands, and then we started to kiss, and well... it went on and on until 6am. I didn't have sex with him that night, but I kind of wish I did...
I guess I should explain myself a little bit better. Ryan is my best friend. We used to only hang out at the bowling alley. We went to my prom together. I care about him more than anyone else in the world. I guess you could say I'm almost in love with him. But I think I just like him a lot. And now I'm afraid that because I wouldn't have sex with him, he might not wanna be with me anymore. Sadly though, I would have had sex with him the night after, or the night after that, or tonight for that matter, but now it may never happen...p.s. he gave me a hickey and i am still mad about that lol :)
Anyways, what else can i tell you about my home life. my friends at home are: caitlin. that's about it. my other best friends have all left home. And now idk what to do without them. And when i'm at school, you could say I have a lot of friends. For example, my facebook has over 1000 people on it. but only one of them is my best friend, and she and i aren't the same as we were when we met. We're not even the same as we were last year, and it's unfortunate, but oh well. Life moves on, and it's ok. I just want to be happy, and I'm starting to be happy. Happy with myself, and happy with my friends that i have...

but then i always wonder...am i going to stay happy? or does this just last like a day? or does this just last while i think or talk about ryan? or when im sitting in my bed, with half a novel written on my lap. who knows? does anyone out there? is anyone going to read my blog? For now, I can just hope that letting my feelings out here will help me, but i guess i won't know for a long time. hopefully it will get better, or atleast stay the same... i guess i'll find out soon. thanks for reading whoever you are...

Lately....

Lately there's been some crazy things going on in my life. My family is a mess, my bestfriend, and I might have ruined our friendship, and my friendships at school feel like their falling apart. I don't know which way I want to turn in the near future... My life and my career clashed once before... and now I'm not sure which way I want to turn...

So i'm starting this blog in order to tell someone about what's been going on.. you can read it everyday if you want. You can read it just this once... either way I'm ok with it. I'm mid cleaning my room right now, so I guess I'll blog more later after work and my group meeting...